Age 7

 Dear Noel, 

You are 7. You had a tough run returning to school for 1st grade after being on distance learning most of the year. Your first teacher was terrible, you didn’t like her, and even told me that she flipped another students desk snd threatened you and other students frequently. I filed a complaint against her and switched your teacher. I didn’t much like that one either though. Thankfully, you weren’t in her class for long. You’re on your way to 2nd grade now. You’ve also started therapy with Miss Allie. You like her and I do too. So far things have been going good.  

You’ve grown up so much this year, I guess a pandemic would do that. You’ve gotten through it all so well though and I’m so proud of you. 

You are quite the little artist, you love drawing and making super hero characters and animals. You love mine craft, adopt me, and some other video games too. You kiss daddy a lot when he’s at work and that’s hard for you. Video game time is your time to connect and when you don’t get it, it’s really hard for you. 

You struggle with self esteem issues, I’m not sure why but that’s why I have you in therapy. You’re harsh with yourself and sometimes literally beat yourself up. It hurts my heart. 

I love you. Im so happy you’re here with us and I can’t imagine it any other way. Please, never leave us. You mean the world to me and more. 

Such a crazy year

 You’re 7 already. This past year has been pretty crazy. Your first year of kindergarten was disrupted by a flu like illness that’s caused a pandemic. For the first time in history children continued schooling through a laptop. Your generation is the first and only generation which has done school at a distance on a laptop 6 hours a day 9-3. I’m in awe of how well you accepted it and did your very best. 💙 

Medically I believe that you struggle with ADHD and so with your school now (you’ve just returned about a month ago) I’m working to get you your diagnoses so that you can receive any help that you need within the school system. It’s a tough system and I want you to be supported through it. 

You’re very attached to me still, you need to cuddle with me each night to fall asleep. I’m perfectly ok with it, 💗 sometimes though I wish you could sleep on your own because you squish me in the bed haha you’re getting so big! 

You love learning about animals- you know a ton of random animal facts. You also love playing Nintendo switch video games, playing Roblox, watching YouTube kids, watching shows on Netflix and Disney plus, and listening to me read Harry Potter.

 You are not a fan of school and you don’t really like your new teacher. I don’t blame you, I’m not really liking her either. :/ but this year will be short and hopefully you’ll have a better teacher next year. 

You fight with your sisters an awful lot. You get very easily triggered by them and they you. You and Lailah especially. You both instantly scream at each other and see the worst in each other. I wish I knew how to help your relationship. The only time you guys get along pretty well is when you’re playing Roblox together. 

I’ve got to go though because I had you get some books so that we could read together. I love you so much. I’ll cuddle you until I can’t anymore. 💙 

Almost 5!

Dear Noel,

You're 5 in a bit over a week. Time has flown. I feel like I've just had you and 5 years have already passed. I love you so very very much. You are a spit-fire, you're strong willed, self conscious, fun, observant, caring, kind, intelligent, you're a joker and so silly and funny, and sometimes very overwhelming to be honest. :P
 I can't imagine life without you. I just can't believe my baby boy isn't much a baby anymore but he's this gorgeous little boy now.









You are so inquisitive, you love learning, you are super intelligent and you watch so much that you learn from on Youtube - which btw you absolutely LOVE lol. Your favorite shows right now are My Little Pony, The Flash, Teen Titans Go, Skylanders, True and the Rainbow Kingdom, Boss Baby, Lego movies, Pokemon, Yo-Kai oh and you love any movie that has talking animals in it lol.


You got glasses this past year for distances but you've already lost them so I have to get your prescription and order new ones. You love baths but absolutely hate washing your hair. You love legos and building blocks but your favorite toys are little action figures - especially Imaginext which is a certain brand of action figures and their little buildings or whatever lol ANDD of course, you love sweets. You typically prefer vanilla ice cream, you love gummies, m&ms, candies, sweets, cake, pie, pretty much anything sugar. But I'm going to work on changing your diet to a much healthier one soon.

You still make quite a lot of messes and although you've stopped dumping water, thankfully, you've started leaving bottles of water open all around the house, caps lost - which end up getting spilled. Oh and of course you hate cleaning haha.

You've had your tonsils removed earlier this year since they were too large and causing you to have sleep apnea, which led to a whole lot of night terrors. Although the night terrors and sleep apnea have ended you began wetting the bed nightly so now you wear a pull up to bed. It's pretty normal though for many boys your age to still wet the bed at night and ultimately it means you're sleeping deeper and getting a better rest at night - which you definitely need.






You have your tough moment. Last Friday I brought you to the pediatrician to get a referral to a pediatric neuro-psychiatrist because I'm pretty positive you have sensory processing disorder and possibly add/adhd. You struggle sometimes and when you struggle you can have meltdowns that last over an hour - these consist of screaming, crying, telling us you hate us, that you're stupid, that we're stupid, that we're ugly, that nobody loves or cares about you. I try to reassure you that we love you, that I love you very much and that those thoughts aren't true but that I understand that that's how you feel in the moment. You have sometimes threatened your baby sister Thea, even thought she does nothing to you and you've physically harmed and sought out to harm your older sister, Lailah. That does not define you, it impo just shows the struggle that goes on within you. You almost always have a trigger and it's typically a noise trigger. I'm thinking of getting you some noise canceling headphones to wear and see if that helps.

You are a great brother when you're stable and in a healthy state of mind. You are caring, kind, loving, you apologize on your own for mistakes, you kiss boo boos, you especially are helpful and loving towards Althea, and you do your best with Lailah when given the right environment and circumstances - you guys can really get along well sometimes.
When you have your meltdowns I offer you my lap where I hug and hold you and tell you how much I love you while I stroke your hair and rub your back. When you hurt someone I take you into your room and sit with you, my arms open and ready for you to jump in for comfort when you're ready, usually you do but not for about 45 mins. If you continue to try to hurt others or you start throwing or damaging things I have told you that if you continue I will have to bring you to the mental health hospital. That absolutely is not at all what I want for you, but I need to keep our home safe and ultimately I want to protect you from getting to a place that will be harder for you to find your way out of through your years or for you to do something that you regret that could follow you through your life.

I love you so much Noel. It's true what they say that mommy's and son's have a special bond. <3 You're so much like me, which is why I understand and try so hard to help you through your struggles. I just hope that I'm what you need and that I can guide you into adulthood the way you need.  I am not a perfect mom and I doubt that I'll ever be a perfect mom. I yell, I get frustrated, I am human, you know?

But at the end of the day I'll always be sure that I do my best, I promise, no matter what, I'll do my personal best.



Love, Mommy <3

FOUR?! It's flown!

Dear Noel,
You've turned 4. You've learned a lot this past year and you've grown so much.
You liked Paw Patrol the good majority of the year - you were even Marshall for Halloween. I crocheted the hat for you. You loved it at the time. But then something happened.. I assume it was one of my mom step sons - your "uncles" that you look up to... I am assuming that one made a remark that you viewed negatively toward Paw Patrol. Because like a switch - you hated them once November came around. You now call them "stupid" and "dumb" and "ugly".

You are a very outspoken kid. We are working with you on teaching you better words to use, but I am pretty sure it's just your age.
You are also fascinated with talking about poop, butts, and fart. I never believed in the "girls gravitate toward girl things and boys gravitate toward boy things... 'boy' things and 'girl' things... but you make me a believer, kid lol.
You've taken a liking to transformers this year and "boom booms" - play guns.
You don't really like scary things but you handle them better than Lailah does... although Nick showed you a scary show about a doll that moves and some "possessed" things/ ghosts... and so you've been talking about it a lot as your way to process it.. I've been going through this process with you trying to help you process it so that you don't get stuck with the fears long term... hopefully.
You are so so sweet. You are thoughtful, kind, and helpful. For Christmas you got a bubble bath set and you were telling daddy about it and you said 'yeah, but I won't use it all, because then Lailah can use it too, she likes bubble baths!"

You also live dangerously. On New years Eve you crawled under Mamee's table, the chairs were ontop so the dogs wouldn't get on the table, and one fell down ontop of you when you bumped into it. You get a pretty good gash on the right side of your scalp - you needed 2 staples at the ER.
You described the sensation of a headache as a "bug knocking" behind your eyebrow lol. SO cutee.


You have learned how to spell your name out loud N-O-E-L, and you practice writing it, but your N's are always backwards and look more like partial W's, and you struggle with making e's as well. But it's ok! You're only 4 :) It's the attempts that show your drive to learn and motivation to learn new things.

You've also gotten really good at puzzles! You put together a 48 piece puzzle on your own!

You've such a good soul and I'm so happy to have you in our lives these past 4 years. I love you so so much.

You've been telling me that you're excited to meet your sister and to share your milkies with her (you're completely weaned now but still see them as yours). You say that you're going to teach her a whole bunch of things - and I'm sure you will :) I hope you both get along well once she's big enough.

I love you <3 I can't wait to continue this life long journey of experiences and realities with you.
<3 mommy

1 week weaned

Dear Noel,
You have been weaned for a whole week today. I am so proud of you. You've been handling it extremely well and I am excited to move forward into the new chapters of your life with you. Nursing you has been an incredible experience and I am so glad that I had that opportunity and time to bond with you while also providing you with the most nutritious thing ever created for humans.

You've been growing by leaps and bounds. You've taken interest lately in learning about different dog breeds, having me read books and stories to you, and learning letters. You know all your shapes and colors. You are a very bright mind.

I am so glad and appreciative that I have you in my life. I hope that we continue to have a strong relationship together as you move forward into your childhood years.

I love you,
love, mommy <3

As a side note, you've picked up your own little thing that you do.

You hold your hand up in the air and you float it around while saying, "There's a little alien in outer space, he flies around looking for food, then goes om nom nom and eats your face!"
as you close your hand on our face. lol it's so cute. It reminds me of little bunny foo foo and other cute things. <3

Stuggling emotionally. Weaning

Wanted to post this here so that we can always remember this moment.
You've been weaning from breastfeeding for the past 2 days now. And not on your own free will, although, you are accepting it extremely well. I am SO proud of you.

Noel just had his first difficult emotional struggle since we've ended breastfeeding.
He cried a lot but he wasn't being harmful to anyone or anything.
I held him for a while and just let him cry. It was overwhelming for me but I knew that if I told him to stop crying, if I punished him, if I threatened him, if I got frustrated and screamed at him that I couldn't handle it (all things I truly impulsively wanted to do because of MY OWN emotional internal struggle) that he wouldn't be allowed or able to process his strong emotions, that he wouldn't be able to learn how to self regulate.
I put my own emotions aside so that I could help my son through this very difficult time I can only imagine he was having. We've had a long day out at the speedway and we woke up early this morning. I assume he must be tired and overstimulated from today.
Well anyhow, he cried, he cried a lot. For around 30-45 mins. And let me tell you, it was HARD for ME too.
I tried to talk to him, to comfort him because I KNEW he was hurting and I wanted to "fix", I wanted to "help". But then I remembered that the part of his brain that can process logic and that could hear me out was shut down, and the emotional part of his brain was currently in charge.
I stopped talking other than letting him know, "I am here for you. I love you very much." or to ask "is it ok if I rub your back?" or "do you want me to hold you?" Although, he didn't really "hear" those either.
I've found that holding my arms out and just offering support by body language was most beneficial and helpful. He went back and forth from my lap - being held/hugged/and rocked, to sitting/laying right next to me. When he was next to me, he didn't want to be touched or talked to at all, understandable. I know that sometimes when I'm really upset I don't want to be touched or talked to either - those in themselves can be much more triggering. Fair enough.
My husband tried to comfort our son by rubbing his back but Noel protested, shouting louder. I explained that sometimes people in general don't like to be touched. My husband reflected quickly and then understood. He then tried to talk to Noel but I explained that the logical part of his brain was turned off at this time and the best we could do was wait him out. My husband nodded. I could tell he felt similarly as I did - he just wanted to "help" and "fix". I guess that's just what we want to do as parents.
Noel finally started regulating back to his usual state - although, understandably still feeling upset, sad, and I would guess overwhelmed. Perfectly normal, I remember feeling those ways too after crying.
He then spoke. "Can I have your phone to play a game?"
I knew he was trying to find a coping skill - all on his own. He was looking for a way to self sooth without turning to milkies. He was asking for help ON HIS OWN.
I said gently, "I don't think that's a good idea right now, maybe later on when you feel calmer."
He understandably was upset again. He sat near me, the disappointment, frustration, and anger written on his face.
I empathized with his struggle.
I asked if he would like to color but he didn't.
I reached out to a friend, explained the situation and asked if she had ideas that could help.
I then saw a couple of Noel's toys laying near us. I had an idea.
I grabbed Noel's Catboy and Dragon that he LOVES so much and I started playing with them in front of him.
Then Noel pushed them both away, showing his frustration but I noticed something else as well. The light in his eyes.
I tried again.
He pushed them away again, this time playfully.
I dramatically pretended to have his toys soar through the air before crashing into the bed. He giggled.
I took catboy and I dodged Noel's punches as I had catboy tickle attack him. He laughed some more.
He then punched catboy over and over.
Some may think this encourages aggression but I disagree - it's a stuffed animal and I think it's great for him to let that energy out on a soft object rather than a person or hard object.
He then picked catboy up, turned to his daddy and said, "Daddy, will you play with me?"
Of course daddy played with him!
"tantrum" subsided, "tantrum" understood as extremely overwhelming and difficult emotions that HAD to be released, "tantrum" worked through positively for ALL of us.
I'm proud. I'm proud of him, I'm proud of me, I'm proud of my husband, I am proud of us ALL.
Parenting consciously, with empathy, respect for our little ones, gently, and patiently is HARD. But oh so, so so, very worth it.
#mommylifewithlaiandnoel

THREEEEE What?!

Dear Noel,Happy Birthday!!! You are THREE. That feels SO insane. I honestly feel like only a year has passed but somehow we're here and you're 3 already.

You are STILL nursing. You are addicted to your milkies for sure. I am trying to gently wean you but it's hard lol. It will take a while but eventually you will wean. So far you only nurse a couple times a day and a couple times throughout the night. Although, you would nurse ALL the time if I let you.

We've got you falling asleep in Lailah's bed. At first, you were NOT happy with that but over a few months time you're finally falling asleep in her bed with her more easily. You crawl into our bed around 3 or 5 am and nurse for 10 seconds tops and then you roll over and go back to sleep.

You talk A LOT. And you are SOOO funny lol You say things and end them with "dude" lol haha. It's adorable. You use words like surely and say things like "you've got a little problem" haha. When you say bridge it sounds like bitch bahaha. It's pretty hilarious.


You play A LOT and you have an extremely active imagination. You love both "boy" stuff and "girl" stuff. You love Paw Patrol, trucks, cars, super heroes, figurines, barbie dolls, stuffed animals, building tools like blocks and legos, and light sabers lol

You watch youtube kids a decent amount and you love nursery rhyme songs, learning about the body and germs, and you watch videos in at least 3 different languages lol. You're so bright and I am so proud of how much you have learned this past year.

You DO have quite a temper though and you get offended VERY easily. I honestly don't know why. Some say it's just your personality. For example daddy was playing with you but had to make dinner and you said, "Fine, I will just play by myself!" and you were very hurt and upset. You didn't understand that daddy wanted to play with you but he was busy. I offered to play with you but you didn't want to play with me. You were playing with me before daddy came in lol but I don't play as well as he does I guess lol. I try!

You're a handful though and since having you I've halted having more children and I'm not sure if I want anymore. I just don't want to add another baby into our lives when you already are struggling sometimes... a baby would cause more stress on all of us, not just you. And I want to be able to split my time with you and Lailah, it would be harder to do with another baby - I fear jealousy issues coming up.

You don't really get along with kids under the age of 4 lol. You can get quite aggressive, throw things, scream, hit and punch, and kick... it takes a lot of energy to help you calm down. Sometimes I resort to threatening you - telling you the police could come and take you from us. Which is an honest fear I have - CPS is scary and they're a pretty big business. They should be taking kids from bad families, and I don't feel I am a bad mom, but they don't. They have shown to be pretty corrupt sometimes. And sometimes I tell you that if you don't stop screaming (literally after 30-45 mins of you screaming like you're being murdered) I tell you that I will have to put you in the spare room alone until you calm down. Which you actually do. I felt really guilty about it and I hated myself for it but others suggested that you may get sensory overloaded and that the lack of sensory triggers in the spare room helps you regain control. Which I could see how that would work. Less noise, less light, you're out of the situation which heated you, and you get a change in envionment. I'e only ever put you in there a handful of times and for 1 min tops. Last time I did that you came out, ate some food, sat in front of the heater quietly, then put yourself to bed. *shrugs. I hope that I'm doing the "right" thing, I don't know what else to do and I don't want to physically punish you ever so this is the best I got.

I'm actually proud of myself when it comes to you both - you and Lailah. I am not perfect but I try my best every day. I hope one day you'll both see that.
I love you so incredibly much,
Love Mommy. <3